DEEP CURRENTS OF FEELINGS IN THE SEA, BUT NO VISIBLE WAVES
The last years I've been learning alot from Love. I intentionally don't write 'about' Love. But from her. Wheras my relationships until my last two ones where more about attachment and co-dependancy - although there was surely Love involved (it's never fully black or white in human relating I guess) - five years ago something changed with meeting a woman on who I could project so massive amounts of Love, that this intensity was unknown for me so far. It was obviously supra-personal divine Love. But since coming from co-dependancy, throughout my life I knew no other way than to project Love ONTO someone, and through this feel her intensity. It was hard letting this relationship go since I thought this intensity of feeling was never to be reached again and had more to do with a person than with Love herself. But Love cannot be measured in intensity I know today. So it's not about greater Love, deeper feeling or any other comparison at all. With my next partner, Love was also projected upon in massive amounts but things developed as I started to realise Loves own entity stronger. Kind of working through me, expressing herself on the woman I loved, but clearly Love had her own nonpersonal character. Divine force if you want to call it that way. I made no secret about my struggling for the last months after the end of the partnership, while I devoted myself to not intentionally decreasing or denying the Love that was untouched but not expressed in the form of partnership anymore. And this was f*ckin' not easy. But the last days something strange happened: Since a new phase of letting go of the still left attachment and more or less hidden wish for reunion was possible, I was perceiving myself in a kind of 'no-love' state, which felt fake, unnatural and was numbing myself. At first I couldn't grasp what was going on. I slept way longer than usual, was tired all day, headachy and numbed emotionally. I usually know quite fast what is going on with me, but this time I could only sense 'something' is wierd. Like a deep current of feelings in the sea, but not visible as waves. This morning, through divine guidance and coincidences the puzzle pieces came together.
Until now I needed a person to love. To project Love upon, to feel Love moving through me. But now there wasn't a projection possible. And my system wasn't able at first to feel and recognise the so long felt Love anymore. So I felt cut of and numbed out. Where did the Love go?
Now realising this I can feel her again. And I've entered a new secret of Loves existence. Now I can be 'in Love' and feel her bliss without needing to project it on one single person, while before I needed the individual human focus to feel her initially.
So I realise there is actually no other Love than unconditional Love! She just gets mixed with our human projections, needs and patterns as a layer upon her.
But underneath the Love is always pure, divine and unconditional. There is no other Love. And if we manage to pierce through our fears, projections and patterns which are oh so delicately human for just one moment, we can recognise her.
I believe we all felt her in her purity - at least for a brief moment in any relationship. And if we manage to focus her more, we might have a chance to give her more space in our with humanly needs covered interactions.
Because she is always beneath the superficial, she, Love, is always below the surface.
*********************** Photo: Rakicevicenad