My heart cracked open once more yesterday through the love I recieve in all her purity, while the form is not what I wished for. I'm not in a partnership with the woman I love - but that doesn't make the love any smaller. I come to realise that the root of every relational struggle is that love has no form. I see it now in every couple I support, in every relational hassle I wittness or hear about and in every story I shared with a loved one myself. While ideally love is what brings us together, it's not alone enough to keep maintenance for partnership. It's the most beautiful thing when lovers find a form in which they mutually feel comfortable with. But so often the form kills the love. It is so understandable and relateable that we try to find safety in relationship through some form or label. I have been there in ALL my previous relationships - and it ALWAYS was the cause of discussion, subtle manipulation, pressure, feelings of being inadequate, grief and pain. As Jeff Foster says: "Love is a field, not a form". He is absolutely right in this wisdom. Try to make yourself clear what this means! The need for a form, something predictable, safety, is the root cause for all relational struggle. If we were able to stay in the field of love, even the 'worst case scenario' of the other stepping out of the field could be handled with grace and loving letting go. While it's so hard to see its not even the case that a partner exits the field. It's just the form, that doesn't make the relationship predictable or suitable for the needs anymore. Love doesn't care about forms. And yes, we are human beings, with fears, a (traumatic) bonding history and secondary needs resolving out of this. But we undermine our primal need for human connection so often because of our incapability of staying in love when the form doesn't fit our idea of it. The human dilemma.
Personaly right now this insight is everything that keeps me together and prevents me from deep dispair. The love between me and a woman is so vastly expressed while the form it has shakes the fundamentals of safety and predictability. The mind goes crazy. The heart spreads widely - and finds peace!
Realising how much pain, manipulation, pressure and violence I caused to bring love into the form I feel comfortable with makes me feel ashamed now. And I'm so sorry! I want to apologise!
It is the scourge of humanity. The root of every relational struggle.
When I focus on the field, peace floods through me. I immediately feel blessed and sanctified by love herself, showing herself through the other person. And then I get calm. The war ends.
Owning my relational trauma, bonding patterns and shadow topics (in short: all my ideas of how love us supposed to look like) is crucial to give love the space to unfold herself - non-conceptual and in free flow.
Integrity is getting more and more aligned with your hearts truth. Focusing on the field and not the form.
*********************** Photo: Doris Reinholz