The day before I got a call from a client who was visiting me for a couples mentoring session with his partner the morning. He was quite nervous on the phone and asked me "Are cases like ours normal?" I really could feel his despair there - coming from an almost totally hidden knowing underneath that something feels strange about their situation. I told him "Your situation is unfortunately normal, it's common. You are neither wierd nor alone with this. It's normal - but it's not natural." A longer pause and a noteable relaxation appeared on the other side of the phone. The penny dropped in him. Dealing with relational dynamics and social interaction for years now on a daily basis, I definitely got in some way nerdy and also extreme in my perspective. But as I dedicated my self to combining Love with Integrity (and helping others to do so) you cannot move around the truths of Love aswell the obvious structures in relationships and often desperate human attempts to fulfill their needs. The problem is, we all have relational needs - but seemingly noone has a clue on how to deal with them properly! So in the course of thousands of years of trial and error misconceptions, fake news and horror stories about Love and relating have arisen - and with that relational patterns, concepts, habits and positions! But these lead and always have lead to very strange dynamics and a feeling of awkwardness. Something is off in our way of relating! Everybody senses that this shit we call Love these days can't be it! You know it! Don't you? That's because we inherently know our needs CAN be met (otherwise we wouldn't have them, because life is not here to torture us! 🤪). So the good news is: Relationships don't have to be managed! Love mustn't be controlled or put into a container! (Soooo relieving!) It's about us to learn from Love and not trying to control it. We inherently know how to do this, if we are bold enough to grow beyond our (trauma-)patterns and controlling mechanisms.
So forget all the bullshit about 'love is hard', 'love is a losing game', 'it's normal to not feel that much excited about the partner after the honeymoon phase' or 's*x naturally gets boring after some years with the same one'.
Forget all that! And so much more!
These (and many more misconceptions about love and relating) are not natural!
They are cultural phenomenons!
You get it?
Things actually are perceived that way because we totally have misled relating and misunderstood loving as a human culture as a whole!
(And even complete schools for couples therapy, so called behavioural analyses and tones loads of books, seminars and teachings build on this misconception - aaaaargh 😩)
But it's not about the Love, not at all, the relationship or the s*x inherently - it's about you!!!
And the way you actually live out all of this.
So there is a way of learning from Love and deconditioning from the cultural relational bullshit!
This way is the humble way of integrity.
*********************** Photo: Doris Reinholz