Whenever time permits, I go for long walks in beautiful Leipzig. There I let myself be guided by magic and intuition - usually I am on the road for hours. As also today. "City-straying" is what I call it. As so often, through the outer movement I also come into inner processes. Today a realization rose in me - actually it hit me like a train. When an ambulance drove towards me and turned on the siren at my height, everything in me collapsed. I cringed, distorted my face and directly started to curse.
After that came the inner judgement: "oversensitive"! I notice more often in the last time that many things seem to me too fast, too roughly or too harshly. I simply can't stand small talk anymore. The noise in department stores or especially on the platform of the Frankfurt airport. The volume of announcements on the train, but also during conversations in relaxed groups. I felt deep impact when a man very harshly told me to get out of the way (instead of asking politely) while I was sitting on the stairs. It is especially unfortunate when I find my children painfully too loud and hectic. Today I questioned: Is it really me? I realized: I am not oversensitive!
This actually is the wonderful result of the personal developement and especially the trauma-informed as well as the bodywork I have been doing for over 11 years now. I am open, vulnerable and receptive! This was not always the case. For three quarters of my life I walked around with emotional protective armor. So disconnected from myself that I didn't recognize myself in the reflection in the shop window. For years I tried to relearn how to cry, which ability I had lost for decades. And now, especially since the experiences of the last years with the Embodied Intimacy Training but not least also through the private processes with close friends and partners, I can experience myself anew.
Maybe it is difficult for me now to endure in our culture and I may seem strange to others - but I am closer to and more deeply connected to myself as well as more receptive to others than ever before. And this makes life intense and worth living in a way I hardly thought possible. And this shows me not only that overcoming trauma is possible, but also what life is really about.
My private relationships and partnership gain a connectedness that feels like coming home and truly meeting. Intense, sometimes overwhelming but so fucking alive.
I don't think people are oversensitive or too soft when they are open or vulnerable. Touchability and empathy are what we long for deep inside. We all carry the need for connectedness.
I may be pushing this openness to extremes, that may be for sure.
But when we start to regain our sensitivity with those closest to us, connection increases immeasurably and fulfillment seems possible.
Partnership and close relationships are good spaces to slowly and lovingly dissolve our own emotional armor again and become truly receptive.
It is so worth it!
*********************** Photo: Doris Reinholz