One of the biggest misconceptions in relationships is that we have to be aligned in viewpoint and perspective to feel the connection. This is the reason why our relationships are often so draining, full of discussions and sometimes even become violent with crossing emotional, energetic or even physical boundaries. This is what most of us learned in our upbringing. 'Only when we have harmony I can feel safe with you'. And harmony is most easiest build through a shared perspective. Look at the world right now (and most of it's history)! This misconception doesn't only adress romantic relationships and partnerships - it counts for ALL relationships, be it families, business partners, society, friends or politics. But why is thinking connection comes through shared perspectives a misconception? While we first of all destroy actual existing connection by trying to place the own perspective on the other we undermine harmony. But secondly and far more important is the fact that through this way of creating connection subtle violence enters the field. We argue, try to convince, discuss, manipulate... so often actual fights arise out of this, creating frustration, resignation and dispair. And it's such a drama we all know so well: We both want to feel connected but it just doesn't work that way. We play out power dynamics, fall in attachment patterns and start off the victim-perpetraitor game through manipulating the other into a compromise. And in the end it feels dull and drained - what a price! But we actually just got that wrong! We CAN stay in connection WITHOUT sharing viewpoints. We CAN bring up curiosity for the perspective of the other while NOT sharing perspectives. This is called empathy (you heard from it 😉). We're just not used to staying in connection without alignment of opinion. This requires us to stand together in the fire of an unsolved issue!
Of course, all our fight, flight, fawn, freeze impulses kickstart, but it's selfresponsible and mature not acting upon them but breathing into them, ideally together, connected in co-regulation.
It's empathy, a real curiosity and some nervous system regulation skills that hold the connection.
And you know what?
Actually an alignment of perspectives is found much easier when BUILD on connection, rather that forcing the other to take over my viewpoint so we can feel connected again. This way we find a shared consensus (which feels like a win-win) and not force the other into a compromise (which feels like a lose-lose).
Real solid connection and relational safety is build on the experience of standing TOGETHER in the fire! Two burning hearts - not willing to let go of the respect for each other!
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Photo: Private
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