A few days ago I stumbled over this quote from Deb Dana:
"Trauma compromises our ability to engage with others by replacing patterns of connection with patterns of protection."
[Deb Dana - The Polyvagal Theorie in Therapie]
Bam! 🔥
As simply put as that!
It puts human relational behaviour in a nutshell (read it again!).
And it also expresses from a different angle, what Rumi expressed about 800 years ago:
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
In real connection there is Love. But we have build barriers and walls (aka patterns) infront, so we could be safe in situations where vulnerability wasn't.
And that was so healthy! But now these walls often prevent deeper fulfilling connection.
If you ask me, we all (like everybody!) have developed patterns and habits when going into connection with others, since we all have experienced some degree of trauma. Maybe not in a medical or pathologic sense but definitely in the way that our nervous system has adapted ways to cope and deal with the threat of being hurt, abandoned, neglected or bullied.
These patterns are hard to crack.
It 1. takes a tone of selfawareness to realise them, then 2. the boldness of your integrity to admit and confront them and 3. a safe space and trustworthy companions, with whom you can slowly dive through and create more capacity and develop healthier patterns and openness that enable you coming to real connection.
To reverse protection into connection is possible!
It's not easy - but it's worth it!
Since we are relational beings we cannot compromise with our connection to loved ones.
Isn't it courageous to relate! ❤️
In my guidance I help partners to become an ally for each other on their healing and growing journey into real connection.
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Photo: Doris Reinholz