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PITFALLS OF 'CONSCIOUS RELATING'





In the so called 'conscious scene' a certain kind of analytical view and awareness for trauma and it's consequences is quite spread.


It's great to geek out with more and more people on stuff like that.


More often I also encounter people in my relationship coachings who deeply embody this knowledge in their way of relating.


You could call them 'consciuosly relating'.


I so much celebrate that people don't take relational needs and dynamics for granted and try to understand what actually is happening.


Wide spread knowledge about mental boxes and labels, for e.g. the attachment styles (anxious, avoidant...) or personality traits (narcissistic, ADHD, borderline, hypersensitive...), support bringing a certain kind of awareness into our daily life.


When you look at 'conscious relating' a little more precise though you can actually see that it's a mix of nervous system knowledge, trauma-information and needs-orientation.


The thing is an old relational paradigm is being transferred on, which makes relating under 'conscious' criterias even harder and almost impossible.


We are all more or less impacted by relational trauma and have developed patterns, that try to keep us safe with others.


Awareness about this is crucial - but it's just the first step!


What I witness so much are rigid boundaries that fortify the - seemingly well known - needs and a huge mental concept that supports the position.


This leads to being in the look out for someone who matches my needs, trauma, triggers and patterns. I'm still looking for a good match - but, in contrast to traditional relationship structures, with far less room for negotiations.


Don't get me wrong!

Boundaries and knowing what you want and what you are and aren't capable of are crucial factors for a healthy relationship.


But taking your predisposition EITHER as an excuse where you hide behind OR as a reason to optimize yourself to be a better match for someone both won't get you nowhere!


What we witness within the conscious relating field is a profound step out of nonreflective relational behaviour. Awesome!


But it's just the first one needed and brings its own problems with it.


Combining this awareness with benevolence instead of rigidly fought on boundaries and connecting to the other while reflecting vulnerably enables a relationship to develop, nurture and heal out of old patterns TOGETHER, without trying to fit into the patterns of one another or avoiding the connection when the other doesn't.


After all boundaries are the place we can meet each other - not a wall to hide behind.


It's about creating safety within the connection to mutually trust the other to do the work. Thus way we can support and thrive with each other.


This is what see as EVOLUTIONARY RELATING.


It takes conscious relating on next level and gives the possibility to increase connection while having and working on your temporarily incompatibilities which before would have been the reason to disconnect and create distance.



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Photo: Private

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