Needs-oriented Couples Therapy & The 3 Pillars of Evolutionary Relating

Successful therapy requires a paradigm shift in the accompaniment of couples!

After 11 years, first as a seminar facilitator and life coach and then specialized as a couples therapist, with my own institute and practice in Saarbrücken and Leipzig, the main problems in relationships are evident to me - after having accompanied well over a thousand couples: In the first instance, it is a question of frustrated needs, which then in the second instance leads to defective dynamics and ultimately always to the build-up of distance and a loss of connection.

Most traditional methods and forms of therapy address the wrong place here because they only focus on the couple dynamics or - secretly or quite obviously - assume "right" or "wrong", i.e. moral or value-based behavior. However, the values, the wishes and above all the needs of people are highly individual in depth. This is not the point at which sustainable change can be started, but the way we deal with each other and thus how we behave in the event of conflicts of needs and values ​​is essential.


At the same time, trauma sensitivity and an awareness of one's own needs and hidden patterns to fulfill them must be achieved in order to enable people to act independently. In this way, paths open up where previously only blind alleys were suspected.

People need trauma-sensitive guides to learn to feel their needs, to fathom them and to live them out independently yet in a partnership-compatible manner.



The needs-oriented couple therapy is methodically divided into the "3 pillars of an evolutionary partnership" that M.Sc. Psych. Miriam Andrea Krafft and I developed . It is based on scientific principles of psychology, trauma awareness and the social behavior of people. The methodology focuses on the latest findings on the human nervous system, somatic therapy approaches and behavioral research.


An evolutionary partnership is sustainable and resilient and can react to external and internal developments and disturbances.

It does not draw stability from external regulations but from the deep, authentic connection between the partners. A solution can always be found, even though the relationship remains lively and flexible - needs-oriented.

Needs-based couples therapy works completely without a perpetrator or blame! Pathologies, diagnoses, judgments and judgments are completely avoided and moral and value concepts play no role. This is the only way we can do justice to the individuality of the client without putting someone in an ideological box in which they don't feel recognized anyway.

Pillar 1 - needs orientation

Needs drive EVERYTHING we do or don't do in life. There is ALWAYS a need behind it. But needs all too often have an effect on our actions, our values ​​and thus on our behavior from the subconscious. In couple therapy, it is important to make the (often just) unconscious drives, why someone feels something or acts accordingly, conscious and to sensitize the client to how profoundly their own needs determine their own attitude and actions. In addition, there are natural but conditioned protective mechanisms that come from the activated nervous system. It is essential for a responsible relationship management to understand yourself and to gain an awareness of why I tick the way I tick. Here attention is directed to (hidden) patterns and habits in thinking and acting. Beliefs, rigid ideas and compensation mechanisms are sensitively uncovered, analyzed with clarity and carefully changed so that they more closely correspond to the needs of the partnership.

Pillar 2 - Affection

In a further step, couples therapy must be about gaining an understanding and acceptance of the needs as well as the reactions and the way for oneself but also for those of the other. Here, both theoretical representations of the respective couple dynamics, but also tangible exercises and methods for establishing and strengthening connections or overcoming distances come into play. Ultimately, the motivation of the individual shows on the way to closeness - at the same time it suffers most from injuries, disappointments or betrayals.


This is where empathy and sensitivity are required from the coach or therapist, and a constant change of perspective is recommended, which takes the client back and forth between the emotional level and the theoretical-factual level, so that on the one hand there is room for the emotions and on the other hand a higher, analytical reflection level enables independent action.

Pillar 3 - Transparency

Third, since insight and affinity are not everything, and both become unstable when the partnership faces new stressful challenges, the full emergence of each individual in the relationship is needed. I have to show myself, only then can the other person see me, assess me and courageously reduce their protective mechanisms on the basis of this. This aspect requires a lot of sensitivity, because many people find it difficult to be really transparent and to really connect. But one doesn't work without the other. This is where every form of communication comes in: verbally, in body language, in dealing with each other, in deeds and actions, but of course also in physical closeness and sexuality.

Concrete guidance

The actual procedure in couple therapy is then structured much more individually and flexibly for the client and ideally it is not a question of "checking off" the 3 pillars in a certain order. The respective couple dynamics are too diverse and the motivations too different for that. It is therefore important that you can artistically respond to the respective situation and the needs of the client with a wide range of tangible methods. We will practice this thoroughly.


This is exactly where the comprehensive methodology that you will be taught in the training comes in - always in the context of the 3 pillars but also that of suitability for use. Theoretical analysis methods such as motivation analysis, needs analysis, analysis of couple dynamics and the nervous system, etc. show concretely and comprehensibly for everyone where the construction sites, the inhibiting beliefs and emotional or somatic blockages and defective behavior patterns are. The highly in-depth yet easy-to-understand analytical methods give clients the opportunity for insight and understanding of why they act the way they do. This forms the basis for integrity as well as the motivation and personal responsibility in the client to bring about a change in the couple dynamic. Practical exercises serve on the one hand for new experiences and progress in the accompaniment, but also make it possible, as homework, to shed more light on one's own needs and behavior. On the other hand, the diverse, practical approach in therapy also serves to uncover distancing attitudes and blockages in the client, which can be set in motion with direct, sensitive guidance.

Practicality & suitability for use

The practical aspect speaks more to the emotional and physical truth of the individual, while the theoretical debate feeds the mind, providing insight and awareness. Only both together does justice to the world of experience and complexity of the partnership structure of the client! ​ As a companion of the couple dynamic processes, you need a profound understanding of the methodology, solid tools and the flexibility to empathetically switch between the clear guidance (lead) and the gentle accompaniment (pace) of the client. And this is exactly what you will be offered in the Evolutionary Relationship Coach Training.

Module I

Get to know | Paradigms of Needs-Based Couple Therapy Concept of the 3 Pillars | Needs & Needs Analysis | Trauma-sensitive Support | The Nervous System & Its Effects on Relationships | Triggers & Behavior Patterns | Self and Co-Regulation

Module II
Modern Partnership Requirements & Alternative Forms of Relationship | Integrity | Belief Patterns | Motivation Analysis & Belief Pattern Modification | Couples Dynamics | Systemics |Boundaries and Connection

Module III
Conscious Communication Training | Empathy Creation | Healthy Partnership Sexuality | Practical & Somatic Methodology | Bodywork in couples therapy
Module IV
Client Handling & Pace and Lead | Conscious & Evolutionary Partnership | Accounting & Self-Employment Tips | Practicals | Deepening


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